Planning for Success + Leading with Love

By Marjie Longshore

Recently, an adult reached out. She was heading on a trip with one of her grandchildren. She shared how excited she was for the trip and valuable one-on-one connection time. Then, timidly, she shared that she was also a little worried anticipating that the child’s behavior might cause her to lose her patience.

She gave a typical scenario: There are 30 minutes to go before it is time to leave and the child is lounging watching TV, not ready or making any moves to go.  

Leading with Love: A Continual Practice

Let the message of love lead. Even when we mess up, we are still loved and lovable. This is encouragement: letting a child know that they are not defined by their mistakes–and we adults aren’t either!

First step: Get in touch with one quality you love in this child. You might decide to sit down next to him, put your hand gently on his, hold onto what you see as lovable, smile at him and wait until he turns to look at you.

Once he gives you his eyes, speak kindly that the time has come to clean up and get dressed, and the TV needs to turn off. “Should I turn it off or do you want to?”

Say it once and then act, with a neutral attitude (no shame or judgment!).

If he starts complaining, you might say, “Looks like I’m the one to turn it off,” as you pick up the remote and turn it off. Notice kindly, “It’s hard to stop watching tv, even if it isn’t a good show and you were really laughing at this one!”

Give a choice: maybe something as simple as “Do you want to have the room quiet as we get ready or should we play some music?”  

Previewing

It is powerful for a child to know what to anticipate. Talk through all of the elements of the upcoming activity. There are so many parts of a vacation activity to consider. Have fun considering together the elements of the trip that are known and unknown. You might wonder together what kind of vibe the next activity will have – is it adventurous, thoughtful, educational? Is there food involved? You could plan together what you might eat (which is also a great way of laying out meal options before the moment comes). What might the expectations be of us in this next activity? How will we manage if something goes wrong or we’re unsure? 

Kids of all ages appreciate knowing what to expect. As adults, we can sometimes forget what an advantage all of our life experience is for us when we are approaching occasions both large and small. We can know what to expect, how to act, what’s socially appropriate for the moment, while often a child might not.

From graduations to backyard barbecues – a little previewing can go a really long way. Children appreciate knowing what choices they have (and where they might not have choice). They’ll begin to understand the needs of the situation and expectations of the moment, and can have agency in identifying creative ways to meet the needs. Together, come to agreements about appropriate behavior ahead of time, rather than hope they are implicitly understood.

Getting Some A.I.R.*

A Previewing Exercise

Choose a question from the list below to start, giving everyone in the family a chance to share their thoughts. You don’t have to answer every question, just taking a moment to think can help your family prepare for the activity to come. 

A: Anticipate

• What do you think the event will be like?
• What do we know, what do we not know about what to expect?

I: Involve

• How can we each be helpful and contribute to making it a positive experience for everyone? 
• If we anticipate something might go wrong, what’s our plan?

R: Responsibility

• What expectations should we set as a family?
• Are there responsibilities each family member has? If so, what are they?

* This exercise was adapted from the book “Parenting with Wisdom and UNcommon Sense” by Jessup and Luce Baldwin. Available through most booksellers.

Sources:

• Four Essential Needs: Alfred Adler identified the four core needs: to belong, to improve, to feel significant, and encouragement.
• Crucial Cs: Amy Lew and Betty Lou Bettner translated Adler’s core needs into the Crucial Cs: Connect, Capable, Count, Courage.
• Unwanted behavior typically shows up when someone perceives they are missing one of the core needs. Rudolf Dreikurs identified the four Goals of Misbehavior.