When Frustration Threatens Your Inner Peace…

By Marjie Longshore

Parents and teachers need to take a moment to collect themselves because kids have a way of borrowing our nervous systems.

- The Virtues Project

Children mirror our responses, attitudes, and behavior and learn lessons from us–especially in times of stress. The problem is, when we feel frustration mounting, it can be really hard to stay cool. 

Many of us feel terrible when we lose our temper and resort to yelling, doling out punishments, or making threats. Many also notice that these responses don’t solve the core problems. 

When we let our temper rip, the unwanted behavior might go away or go quiet for a bit, but it inevitably  resurfaces.

“Losing” Your Temper or “Using” Your Temper?

The idea that we “lose” our temper is actually a misnomer. In truth, we use temper (often unconsciously) to gain control, or the upper-hand, in a situation. It is a power grab and invites the other to either: respond in kind with increased force, or become submissive to our anger. Either way, someone is a loser.

When we “lose it,” we’re playing a loser’s game.

7 Responses to solve the problem and (BONUS) build the relationship

1. ‘Separate the deed from the doer.’

Distinguishing a person’s action (“deed) from their inherent character is a powerful way to help your child when they mess up. Mistakes are part of life. We can’t grow without making them! How important it is to know that we are not defined by our mistakes and that when we mess up, we are still lovable. The person is always dear, even when their mistakes are not. This approach inherently invites the other to make steps to repair the mistake.  

It could sound like, 

Why it works: The focus is on repairing harm, rather than assigning blame. The person is not labeled as a bad character, but instead a lovable person who made a bad choice and can next time make a different one. This disarming approach actually draws the relationship closer together. As a result, the teen cleaning the dishes may even begin to share something about their day with you as they do the forgotten task. 

2. The “Do-Over” 

Sounds like:

• “Whoa. That way of talking doesn’t work. You can have a do-over.”  or
• “I really care about you and want to know what you think and need. I’ll be in the other room, if you want to try again and say it in a kinder voice, I’ll be all ears.”

Why it works: This masterful technique is simple to put into practice. You are skillfully holding a boundary while giving the person the opportunity to take another shot. Communicating the message: that behavior doesn’t work, and you can try again!

3. A Choice

State the need and provide two or more options that are both workable in the situation. 

Why it works: Sharing positive power is never to be underestimated.

4. Curiosity

With genuine curiosity ask, “It looks like… isn’t working well for you here. Will you tell me more about what you wish (or need) and how you think we could meet the need of the situation here?” 

Why it works: When a person feels listened to, they are much more inclined to reciprocate and listen to you. You’re modeling what maturity looks like by being curious and listening first. You’re also masterfully turning the scenario away from an adult-child showdown to two people who can solve problems respectfully together.

5. Holding the line with dignity and respect

Sounds like: “What was our agreement here?”

Why it works: Kids are more inclined to follow rules that they help to set. Creating shared agreements and brainstorming ways to follow them provides lifelong skills. Then, upholding the shared agreements with kindness and firmness helps a child learn that setting and following limits is an essential part of living a healthy life.

6. Letting the Message of Love Get Through

“Could I have a hug?”…. “Not right now? OK. I’m here, loving you, and would love a hug when you’re ready to give me one.”

Why it works: most living-with-people-challenges are best solved out of the moment. If we can give a message of love, we signal that the child is still dear, even when the behavior isn’t, and we will resolve the challenge when everyone is calm and able to think clearly together. 

7. The Photo Ninja Move

Keep a treasured photo of the child in your wallet or on the screen of your phone so you can see it and remember how dear they are to you (especially if the moment of growth that they are currently in seems challenging). Just before you respond to an unwanted behavior or situation, quietly pull up the photo and get in touch with a quality you love in this child. Hold this quality in your thought for a moment and then decide what you’ll say or do. Your thoughts will naturally flow out in a truly powerful way.

In Summary

Step 1: Pause, take a breath, and silently identify a quality about this child you find dear and lovable. You might decide to share it aloud or hold it quietly. (NOTE: This doesn’t mean that you find the behavior in the moment lovable.)

Step 2: Identify the needs of the situation.

Step 3:  Use one of the above strategies to invite the person to make a different choice to meet the needs of the situation.

Rest easy. You’re leading with dignity and respect.